Ok I don’t have one of those, “I started feeling contractions” or “My water broke” stories. I had the scheduled c-section story. But still a big story none-the-less.

May 19th, 2005 was the night before I was going to meet my little baby. Andy and I had not known if it were a boy or a girl. We had a lot going on that week, pre-op, stress test etc. There were so many appointments leading up to this child’s birth. As well as some last minute cleaning the house and organization. The c-section date was going to be May 18th but they changed it to May 20th. So Thursday night, I wrapped my arms around Andy before going to bed around 10ish at night and said, this is it, tomorrow this baby won’t be in my tummy anymore and we’ll be parents.

May 20th, 2005 we wake up pretty early around 5ish because we have to be at the hospital early. C-Section scheduled for around 9am. I get there, check in and all that fun stuff. Then I get put in a room with a bunch of beds and stuff and am directed to get undressed, and dress in 2 gowns (one for front, one for back) which I thought was good- I was nice and covered. I had brought my own slipper socks and used them and they rolled me into the area outside of the OR. I layed there and 2 by 2 my visitors came in. See I had an audience, my own cheering squad. My parents, Andy’s parents, my grandma, my brothers, and their girl-friends were all there to support me. The anesthesia guy came over, he was very nice and we met him a few days ago. He said I would be put under and not be awake because of the severity of the situation. They didn’t want me to fuss or move or get upset. After all, they were worried the baby might not be able to breathe, (due to the pressure of the cyst and the fact that they saw the tongue was protruded in a recent sono) so they were going to be rushing around and stuff.

Andy watched them roll me to the OR. He stayed in that room, away from the family and crouched down and cried his eyes out… I was told. His mind swarmed with thoughts. Thoughts of what if the baby didn’t make it, were they gonna be ok with putting his wife under? A nurse, nicely consoled him.

In the meantime, I was laying on a table with about 30+ drs/nurses in the room. Cold and bright with a big light over my body. They had to do an amnio first. They wanted to drain the cyst as much as they could so the baby wasn’t ‘too big’. They didn’t want to make the incision too big. The dr said if he had to, he’d make the regular incision and then one going up and down as well. But he didn’t want to do that, because he said there would be no chance of vbac if that happened. So I didn’t like that too much. They stuck that big amnio needle in and twisted and turned and moved it. I was nearly in tears from the pain and wondered why aren’t they knocking me out before they do this. I was explained to that they would give me the general anesthesia at the last minute because they didn’t want the baby to get it into it’s system for too long. So I’m hurting, and looking at the clock, and thinking of the fact that I’m pretty exposed and have soooo many people in the room. I mean ENT’s work with ears, noses and throats, they shouldn’t be seeing my body! The clock is not moving fast enough, 20 minutes have gone by and they were very slow. That needle is showing this brown yucky stuff. They tell me that’s good that it’s not red or whatever. My eyes were filled with tears, it hurt and I was just wanting this to be over.

They pull out the needle after 25 minutes. I look at the clock it’s a little after 9. They tell me they are going to put me out now and take my glasses and stuff like that. Next thing I know the room is blurry and people are talking around me, they are saying something about a girl. I murmur, did I have a baby girl? Did I have a girl? Someone answers yes. I close my eyes. I open them again, Did I have a baby girl? Someone answers yes. I close my eyes, Next thing I know I open them and I see a blurry view of what looks like my husband… I reach out and say “my husband?” And he walks over and says “yes I’m here”. I said “and we had a baby girl”. He said “yes and she’s beautiful”. I smiled, and I was still out of it so I was awake and not awake for a while. I asked for my glasses, I got them. Andy asked if he could tell my family that we had a baby girl. I said yes and thanked him. (You see I instructed him not to tell my family the sex until after I knew).

Andy went to tell them and said “Well it’s not a boy” and they all stopped for a second and shouted It’s a girl! And YAY! And were dancing and screaming so loud the whole hospital could’ve heard. However, I didn’t hear, I didn’t see the reaction, but I heard it was amazing…

Just like I heard about the birth, that I wasn’t there for. Andy tells me someone came out while he was crouched and wiping tears and asks him to get dressed. He puts on the blue suit and the blue netted hat. He goes into the OR where they had just taken his little baby girl out and lifted her. He stands in the room, frozen as if almost the world was moving quickly around him but time had stood still for him. There lies his wife, eyes taped, arms out and taped down… tube coming out of the mouth…. And there goes the drs who are saying “She’s turning blue, she’s not breathing” as they intubate her. He also catches a glimpse of the placenta being taken out, ewwww. He watches as the drs struggle with his daughter. They now are putting an IV in the belly button and the guy is having a hard time, getting frustrated and snapping at the other people around him. Finally he’s got it. And Andy sees the baby, takes 2 pictures and she is soon whisked away to the NICU. Andy holds my hand and then goes out to tell the family that all is ok (but not telling them the sex). Of course he comes back in when he finds out I was waking up.

Now Mary Elizabeth was born at 9:19 am but her mommy didn’t see her until 9ish that night. Everyone else did though. After a few people visited me taking turns while I was in that same area and talked to me about how wonderful it was that I had a baby girl, I got moved to my room. And they joined me there. They asked if they could see the baby, after seeing her photos on the digital camera, I let them. I was under drugs and happy, so that helped. Really, I wanted to see her first, but it is what it is. I asked them all how she looked, they said beautiful. I knew it was probably hard for them to see her though. She had a large cyst/growth on her neck and she had tubes and tape on her and her tongue was large and protruded from her mouth, and also black in color. But look past that and you see her beautiful dark hair, lovely skin and adorable little eyes. They were a dark navy blue when they were born. She looked just like her daddy but with her mommy’s button nose.

In the room where I stayed for a few days, I was paired with another woman who had a c-section, and delivered a perfect little baby girl. Who was often in the room with her, and was a constant reminder of what I missed out on. When my company was there, I didn’t mind. When I was alone, it hurt like a ton of bricks. Anyway, that night the nurse told me… “You’re gonna get up and get in the wheel chair and see your baby”. I said “great, but I can’t imagine getting up”. It was hard but it was done and I got wheeled by the hubby into the NICU. I washed my hands and scrubbed, I put the gown on as I had to do and got wheeled over to see my little girl. She was adorable but hard to see. The incubator was so high and I couldn’t really stand. I reached up and put my hand in there and I held her hand. I looked at her, I saw that she was perfect, but I saw that she had all these things on her and the tongue was out and I just wished I could take it all away. Not too long after, we had to leave and I went back to my room. Andy could only stay for a few minutes. Visiting time was ending. I was fine I said, I kissed him and said goodbye. Around 10:30 we put out the lights. I was taught earlier how to pump and brought one. So I started to pump. I then started to cry, cry and cry and cry. I remained quiet as I didn’t want the girl behind the sheet to hear me. The tvs were on, the pump was on, and the sound of her baby drinking it’s bottle was the last thing you could hear. But behind that curtain were tons and tons of tears. I didn’t want it to be this way but it was. I think the hardest part was the night that the other woman’s baby was crying and the nurse brought the baby in and said I changed her diaper, fed her, and she doesn’t seem to be calming down, then the nurse handed the woman her baby and the baby started to calm… the nurse then said “aw see, she just wanted her mommy”. Yep, I bawled my eyes out at that very moment behind my curtain….

On her 2nd day of life, first thing in the morning I found out Mary Elizabeth was moved to the PICU (pediatric intensive care unit). I was uncertain what that meant and nervous. I went to see her and was more pleased. She had her own room, she was easily accessible and it had a wide screen tv and couch. And that’s where she stayed until the last few days in the hospital.

She didn’t get to be held til 3 days old, and even at that it was a very rare thing until she was about 2 weeks old. She had a cat scan around 5-6 days old and had her first surgery at 7 days old (which was traumatic for me and she was under a paralytic drug for a few days so there was a lot of just staring at her). She showed very early on how tough she was and that she had a bit of a ‘fight’ in her. I can’t tell you exactly when she came off the ventilator… but I think it was between 2-3 weeks old. That was a great day because that was a big and scary thing for her to have. Though now she had a new scary thing for me- a trach tube and soon thereafter a g-tube (feeding tube in the stomach). But nonetheless we learned everything we needed to do. And by Father’s day (June 19th) we were able to take our precious miracle home with us.

I cannot even begin to describe the emotions I went through in that month at the hospital, and I can’t go over every detail because I’d be here forever. I do know that the emotions started right after the drugs wore off the night she was born and the ongoing treatments for Mary Elizabeth did as well. My heart ached, but I remained strong and I did have true happiness and joy inside because Mary Elizabeth was my baby girl and I love her so much.

Mary Elizabeth’s story doesn’t end there, but my birth story does…. And though I didn’t have a particularly normal story to tell, it was still my story.